02 ✪ February 6th, late evening ✪ voice

[wildest]

Did this expire already? Damn it, no wonder. I haven't even been able to open it. Not since... hm... hnnn... it's really not faaair. What'd I do?

[Kotetsu's talking isn't really directed at anyone, which probably makes you wonder why he even turned his communicator on in the first place as well as what the heck he's talking about. He's currently a little preoccupied with figuring out what to make for a snack, rustling through the fridge of his shared apartment and making all sorts of noise. Nothing that really needs to be seen on a large scale which is why this is on audio. He also doesn't need to show off his ridiculous distress, sighing heavily then picking up the comm from its spot on the floor to speak into it more clearly.]

Anyone with some kinda doc cred or somethin' know if it's possible to just, not be able to eat something all of a sudden? I don't mean like one day you wake up and you don't feel like eating fish or hot dogs. Oh, I should make hot dogs tomorrow. --uh, I mean, like it makes you feel sick. Really sick. And it never did that before. Is there a way to fix it? Do you get back to normal? Or maybe it's just this place.... Really not fair. Aah, the fridge is gonna feel so empty without you.

[A loud thunk as Kotetsu proceeds to throw his poor expired uneaten container of mayonnaise into the nearby trashcan... speaking of food, he actually had a purpose to all this, except he's lacking a bit of tech knowledge at the moment. Time to fix that.]

BUNNYYY! Bunny, are you still mad at me?! Come over here, help me figure out something! And help me figure out what I wanna eat! I'll even make you a hot chocolate so you'll stop feeling so bad! Buuuunnyyyy!!

[With absolutely no explanation, the communicator shuts off. And then a minute or so later:]

((filter | Rei Kurosawa))

Is it working now? How do you-- oh... ah...

[Switching over to stealthmode Text, since he doesn't want Bunny eavesdropping.]

rei? can you read this? i want to ask you something!

Comments

[mayotaku]

It's alright. It's alright.

[shakes head]

You see, I am a mayonnaise expert.

[wildest]

Liar! There's no such thing! You're just saying that so I'll tell you where I live and you'll come and take our mayo and our money and our TV and the new chair we bought because I accidentally broke one of the old ones! This living room is really small, it's not my fault!

[mayotaku]

Listen.

[holds breath for a moment before exhaling]

The fact that there is someone out there . . . someone who understands . . . that's the most important thing. It's true, I could easily take your mayo [like he cares about that other stuff] and leave you in the dust with nothing but ketchup, but-

But I can't. Because I remember what it was like to lose something so precious to the evils of an expiration date. If I had the knowledge, I would have been . . . I would have been able to . . .

[Shaking head]

I just don't want to see you suffering the same fate.

[wildest]

[Is this what it's like to be a lost and lonely child on a swingset, and an old man approaches you and offers to help you find your parents, but you've been told to never talk to strangers, but they look so nice and kind, and they're walking an old and nice looking dog named Mayo, and they have a shirt with a mayo bottle on it, and they have lollipops that taste like mayo, and his name is Mayo, and gosh he loves mayo so this guy seems legit. SURE WHY NOT.]

...D-Death City Heights. Building six, third floor, unit C.

[mayotaku]

[No, no, it's more like that time when little orphan Mayonnie who has been searching for a home for a long time but the evil orphanage caretaker, Mrs. Expiration Date has decided that Mayonnie wasn't allowed to leave even though that Daddy Hamburger was ready to take her in. WE HAVE TO BECOME THE PRESIDENT TO SAVE THE DAY.]

Right.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR, THAT WAS FAST]

[sentiments]

[Who the hell... and here Barnaby's thinking there's some emergency or someone needs them. After all, who ever comes to visit?

So he goes to open the door.]

...May I help you?

[mayotaku]

[There is a guy who is armed with several bottles of mayonnaise around his waist, two attached to his chest, and one in each hand]

It's a state of an emergency.

[BARGES IN, SUP]

[wildest]

[KIND OF failed to get to the door on time and just about almost collides right into Barnaby's back, but thankfully this nice mysterious man was kind enough to shove him out of the way. Good job!]

Is he here?! He's here! You're the guy I talked to right?! The mayo guy?!

[ALL THAT MAYO. Time to ignore Barnaby as he actually tries to push Hijikata into the kitchen.]

Bunny move this is really important go-- go read a book or, brush your hair! Give me five minutes!

[sentiments]

[And getting completely shoved out of the way, what the hell!?]

What--

[His eyes catch all the mayonnaise on the stranger, then he glances at Kotetsu, completely alarmed that something really bad is going to happen. If they have to rush Kotetsu to the hospital by the end of this...]

What are you two doing?

[mayotaku]

Where is the fallen condiment?

[twirling a bottle in his hands]

I need to check on its status before we can begin the procedure.

[wildest]

Dah! In the trash! I should have taken it out! [Makin' a bee-line to the kitchen and then calling out as he starts garbage diving. Got to retrieve that poor bottle of mayo from underneath this banana peel, some paper towels and whatever else is in there. Not like he keeps track of their trash, jeez.]

Nothing! Go brush your teeth and go to bed, it's late!

[sentiments]

No. It's hardly nightfall.

[This is absolutely insaaane. But now Barnaby's getting that 'oh god there's a third one' vibe and is hoping this is actually just some ridiculous dream. He wastes no time in following them both to the kitchen.

With his mirror in hand. In case he needs to call emergency services soon.]

[mayotaku]

[You might need towels. A vomit bag. An ambulance.]

[He places the bottles in his hands perfectly on a counter before he takes that expired bottle in his hand and examining it carefully. After that, he walks over to turn on the sink's hot water.]

You'll notice that these sort of things don't really have an "expiration" date. It usually says, Best if used by instead. This applies to this one as well.

[WE WILL PURIFY THE BOTTLE AS IT HAS TOUCHED UNHOLY SUBSTANCES IN THE GARBAGE CAN]

[wildest]

[Just going to watch all this like a big fretful puppy dog. Work your magic Mayoman.]

S-so, the mayo's okay? Really? But I still can't eat it...

[sentiments]

[Okay, this is ridiculous. Crossing his arms, he observes from the doorway.]

Of course you can't. You're allergic, and it will make you sick. So unless your guest is coming to take that bottle off your hands, I hope for your sake that you're not considering eating any.

[mayotaku]

A-allergic?!

[NO...








NO SAY IT ISN'T TRUE!]

[wildest]

[HANDS OVER FACE. DON'T LOOK AT HIS SHAME.]

It's not my fault! It wasn't like that before, I-I don't know what happened! Maybe my mother was right about it catching up to me in the long-run when I'd replace vegetables on my stir-fry with mayo! But that wasn't my fault how was that my fault don't look at me Ma I'm sorryyy!

[mayotaku]

[RIGHT IN THE KOKORO]

[RIGHT IN THE GD KOKORO]

[Hijikata has to hold onto his chest for fear that his heart might beat right out of his chest. He's also trying his very hardest not to cry right now. He took one glance at the guy with the weird haircut and then back at the poor, pitiful creature before him]

S-since when . . .

[sentiments]

Since his arrival here. I'm pretty sure he could have eaten it straight from the bottle back in our world.

[So disapproving right now. So disapproving.]

[mayotaku]

This damn world . . . It must have done something to him. Those who understands the passion of mayonnaise . . . it is like their soul is also made of mayonnaise. That is why this can't be an allergy. You can't be allergic to your soul!!

[PULLING THE BOTTLE AWAY FROM THE SINK AND HOLDING IT OUT]

Even if I have no idea who you two are, I can't turn a blind eye at the suffering inside of this household! First, we will save this bottle of mayonnaise and then we will save his soul!

[wildest]

[STOP FILLING HIM WITH FALSE HOPE IT'S USELESS HE'S DONE FOR HE'LL NEVER FEEL THE BLISS OF THAT TANGY CREAMY WHITE TEXTURE ON HIS TONGUE EVER AGAIN!!!

Quiet broken sobs echo........ in his heart...........]

[sentiments]

...His soul's not endangered. It's just an allergy.

[How dumb is this situation. Barnaby's sure he's losing braincells.]

[mayotaku]

No. It's more than an allergy. It's a way of life.

[shakes head]

You see, I am a mayonnaise cannon.

[YES HE IS SAYING THIS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE]

My soul shoots out mayonnaise from the heart. Many people find this disgusting but it is who I am. And it is who he is. It's who we are. If it's taken away, what is left? Nothing but an empty mayonnaise bottle.

[He places a hand on Kotetsu's shoulder]

Lets get to fixing what is broken and set you back on the righteous path of happiness.

[wildest]

[Startling himself back to reality as he feels that hand on his shoulder... and... he's pretty sure he heard him say "mayonnaise cannon".

A part of him is intrigued. The other part is kind of concerned for his life.]

I don't know if I wanna feel better now. Bunnyyy?

[sentiments]

...Please stop this foolishness.

[He doesn't want to take you to the hospital, old man. It's enough that Barnaby takes a step forward. Does he need to stand in the middle of this?]

Look. I regret to inform you that allergies do not work that way. You're only going to jeopardize his health. He can live without mayonnaise.