soul_campaign | #16 [audio, private to Genesis] || May 8th

Definitely. Where would you prefer?

Our apartment. Mello just left.

[And Near may or may not have given him a small shopping list with obscure toy brands to buy, to keep him busy.]

I'll be there soon.

[More like he'll be flying over soon, because it doesn't take long until there's a knock on the biggest window in Near's apartment.

Well, if he can't enter through there, though, he can still go through the door.]

[That was fast. Even though Near is well aware of Genesis' wing, it still surprises him to see the older man using it like this.

He walks to the window and opens it, letting him inside.]

I thought your wing was injured.

[He resists the temptation to touch it and examine it, like he's been wanting to do for a while; he really shouldn't get distracted from what he intends to so, specially given how they don't have a lot of time.

His curiosity is quite noticeable in the way he looks at Genesis, however.]

Cuts and bruises. Not exactly an injury. But its uncomfortable to tuck it away for now. It needs to be let out. [He chuckles, getting inside and keeping his wing tucked close against his body.]

Besides that, it's a waste to have it out and not use it.

[Genesis would invite him to go ahead and examine it, noticing the curiosity in his eyes, but they had a different matter at hand.]

So what did you call me here for?

[Near closes the window after Genesis walks inside.]

Fair enough. Thank you for protecting him, by the way. I warned him not to go there, but you know how well that turned out.

[And the weirdest thing is that Near would have done the same, although he has the clear advantage of turning into his weapon form to avoid getting hurt.

At Genesis' question, Near can't help feeling uncomfortable, and it shows in his body language even though he does his best not to.]

I want to talk to you about something I am quite unfamiliar with.

[Feelings, those pesky little things. But before that, Near decides to go ahead and do something he never really does, whenever they have guests, because he just doesn't care, and it's perhaps the most obvious hint of how much he doesn't want to bring this subject up. ~~He's not stalling. Of course not.~~]

...would you like some tea?

Edited (typos!) 2013-03-06 22:52 (UTC)

[Genesis is a little surprised by Near offering him something. The detective was usually straightforward with him. But he supposes that he has some reason behind doing so. He decides not to question him and give Near whatever time he needs.]

Of course. That would be nice.

[It’s not that stalling will make any difference, in the end: Near has thought about what he will say to Genesis countless times by now, and there is no use in delaying the inevitable. But Near finds it very hard to just jump onto the subject at hand, no matter how many times he studied it in his head, so he might as well take those minutes to get mentally ready.

Besides, tea is one of the very few things he can actually do in a kitchen, and he really needs the tea equivalent of caffeine.

He nods and gets to work, but a thought crosses his mind all of a sudden, something that may help him ease into the subject at hand while giving him something to actually work with.]

That woman who was your Meister, before. Carmine.

[He speaks slowly, contrarily to his usual blank and business like tone of voice. He guesses this is a delicate matter, and getting on Genesis’ nerves would end their conversation right now, so the way he says this makes it clear that the older man doesn’t have to answer if he’d prefer not to.]

What sort of relationship did you have with her?

[At the question, Genesis couldn't help but look away in an attempt to hide the way his expression softened. People had given him sympathies over losing Carmine, but after that, little was said about her. It made him sad, somehow-- the fact that at the end of the day, she was just another soul returned to her world and only he seemed to treasure her memory, as well as that of everyone else he loved.

But among all of them, she shone the brightest. An all-consuming flame that overwhelmed his own fire as a weapon.

It takes him a while to speak as he gathers his thoughts first to prevent himself from making a mess with his words.]

We were lovers.

[Near had thought as much. While he has never been an expert in relationships, he is an expert in human psychology, and Genesis had always made his affection for that woman clear for him to see.

It’s one thing they have in common, and sometimes Near forgets about it: losing a Meister who they shared an important bond with, but with a clear difference: Near didn’t have that sort of relationship with the Mello who was here before.

(That didn’t make it any easier to lose him, but if Mello leaving the first time felt like a part of him had been left incomplete, he is completely sure that, if Mello were to leave now, it would feel like having a part of him be physically ripped out, over and over again, with the reminder that if Mello ever came back, he would have certainly forgotten what they had.)

He doesn’t know if he and Mello have that sort of relationship, now, but--

lov•er
noun
1. a person who is in love with another.
2. a person who has a sexual or romantic relationship with another.

--they really don’t fit the definition of it at all.]

I see.

[There’s a tray somewhere in the kitchen, so Near digs around for it, and adds what he has seen people place on tea trays throughout his life. When the tea is ready, he brings everything to the table and sits down, pulling a knee up against his chest immediately.

He seems hesitant about something, as if afraid to push Genesis too far or to reveal too much about his own thoughts, but in the end, Near ends up making his question, his voice slightly quieter than before.]

Were you gentle with her?

[Genesis seems like the type to do it, whereas Carmine seemed more like the type to consume him entirely without worrying about gentleness.]

[At that, Genesis couldn't help but break into a wide grin, which eventually broke into laughter. He shakes his head and takes a moment to stop it. But his amusement was all over his face.]

I think that if she was as strong as I was, we would have broken several beds, tables, and kitchen counters over the course of our romance. We practically wrestled every time we did it.

[He grins again and prepares his own cup of tea.]

Why do you ask?

[The laughter is probably not as unexpected as it feels like, to Near, but he was too focused on his own thoughts to watch it unfold: he actually blinks in surprise, and by the time Genesis is done laughing, the detective feels slightly less tense.

Contrary to what most people would have done when faced with such a colorful description of what used to be Genesis’ sex life, Near doesn’t even blush. Thankfully.]

I see.

[He actually didn’t mean gentle in a sexual way, but he isn’t about to specify that.

(He still remembers catching them on camera a few times before, after all.)

Near waits until Genesis is done with preparing his cup of tea to do the same thing. He had a very specific goal in mind when he asked if Genesis was gentle with Carmine, but he isn’t going to go into details just yet. The older man needs some context before he does that.]

I don’t know how to define what is happening between me and Mello. It’s frustrating.

[He hates not knowing something.]

Ah? Care to tell me about it?

[He leans back, sipping the tea he had prepared. He's a bit thankful that Near gave him a question he could laugh at. In all honesty, he associated being "gentle" with an attitude in bed. Outside of the bedroom (or wherever they had sex, really.) he was always a gentleman to her, as he was with anyone who was his lover. He would tease every now and then, but nothing close to being "rough".

But this could be a roughness of a different kind...]

[Near nods, and then gets up, walks to the living room and comes back with a box full of tarot card decks. This will be significantly easier if he keeps his hands busy with his cards.]

As you know, I don’t do heartfelt conversations. But I have no references, no precedents set for this, and my research was pointless because the cases I found were strikingly different from our situation, thus rendering any comparison grossly inaccurate and pointless.

[He takes a sip of his own tea before pushing his cup and saucer aside so he can lay the cards out on the table, one by one.

Mello is the only one I consider my equal, and he is also my former rival. We competed as children, and although I always have been number one, he was always behind me, pushed back to number two by minimal differences in test scores. He has always been the one person who challenges me the most, and that has never faded through the years; if anything, the need to challenge each other has grown stronger.

Despite our clear differences, we were meant to have worked together all along. Mello’s initiative against my passivity, my levelheadedness against his aggressiveness and passion… I’m sure I don’t need to give you more examples. This is why our partnership works so well.

[It’s clear that this is a subject that Near feels strongly for, despite how he doesn’t explain anything further about their past, and how his tone of voice betrays nothing at all.]

While the equation of our relationship remains the same, some variables changed as we grew closer. We still know just where to sink our knives into, but we’ve agreed to keep them away, whereas before we would have used them strategically. There are other things, too… new things.

[The marks on his neck say it all, really, and even though they have never done anything that could be considered sexual, they have taken very big steps in their relationship so far.]

We always challenge each other. It’s a constant struggle to come out the winner, by making the other react while keeping our composure intact. But there is something I don’t understand.

[Genesis isn't a genius like Near is. He can't dissect life the way he can. But if there's something he had a leg up on, it would probably be analyzing the dynamics of a relationship. It was his strength as a SOLDIER, too. While he didn't have the maturity and level-headedness of Angeal, or the military excellence of Sephiroth, he had a magnetic personality, and a gift for charming people.

And in Death City, that charm had earned him not just Carmine's attentions, but also that of Sakuya. And both these girls gave him drastically different experiences of love: one fiery and bordering on unhealthy, and the other soothing and nurturing. He knew well then what was good and what was bad in a relationship.

He wants to listen to everything Near has to say first before giving his thoughts.]

So, what is it?

[It takes him a very long moment to answer that question, and when he finally does, his tone is slightly hesitant.]

We haven’t talked about what we are, but the boundaries are obvious. Physical intimacy with anyone else will not be tolerated, and resonating with someone else can only happen in emergencies. Mello is as possessive as I am.

We don’t do romance, or the feelings most people would experience when being close to someone else. We certainly don’t do gentleness, either; it’s not what we are.

[There is a very significant but at the end of that sentence, but Near leaves it unsaid.]

We fight dirty when we challenge each other, within our unspoken boundaries that are often as clear as if we had discussed them previously. Gentleness is nothing more than a weapon to be used to make the other react and catch him off guard; Mello has stated quite clearly, before, that doing so gets him good results.

[Genesis doesn’t need to know about Near’s struggle to come to terms with getting closer, out of fear that BREW will take his Meister away, but also because closeness was simply too much to bear. That is far too private for him to feel comfortable telling someone else about it, even though he is already revealing far too much with this conversation.]

It doesn’t bother me, because I do whatever I can to challenge him in return and win our game, and I know that he only does that to try and get a reaction out of me.

[His fingers stop building the card castle when his eyes fall upon the card he is currently holding: Major Arcana VI – L’Amoureux.

The Lovers.]

...it didn’t bother me, before.

[He smiles a little after taking all this information in, feeling pieces fall into place.]

So, I'm guessing that I was a pawn in this game between you both?

[He won't forget the instances wherein Near made openings for him to flirt right in front of Mello. Although their play only was limited to words, he had an inkling that Near was doing it for a purpose greater than just irritating his partner... and that purpose was this game.]

You enjoy the gentle moments he gives you, don't you?

[If Near were anyone else, he’d feel sheepish or apologetic at being caught out. But he has never tried to keep his manipulations hidden, and he knew Genesis would figure things out sooner or later.]

Only a few times before. Mello has always been terribly jealous whenever you were around, so I didn’t even have to do anything to provoke him: your presence was all it took.

[This time, he frowns in confusion after Genesis makes his question, and his eyes never leave the card he is still holding, as Near thinks things over in his mind.

The Lover's card is about harmony. Thus, it is about something that speaks to you, that you know and recognize as your other or mirror self, and which makes you feel harmonically balanced or complete.

In interpretation, the card indicates that the querent has come across, or will come across something or someone that they will fall in love with, romantically or not. They will know instinctively that it was meant for them, even if it means diverging from their chosen path. On the other hand, their common sense must also make a decision on whether or not to go along with this unconscious "choice." There is often a measure of hardship or cost that comes with giving into this attraction.

Two choices are involved with the card. First, your soul or psyche is making its choice. It recognizes this other person/thing as being your spiritual twin or as harmonizing with you; you become amorous for it.

Now the rest of you, the demands of your life, heart, or mind, can agree or not. That's the other choice. You will feel powerfully drawn to this person or thing so much so that, no matter how scary, how difficult, irrational or troublesome, you will be inclined to go for it. But you will also know that it comes at a cost. Maybe the person/thing you’re attracted to means trouble, or maybe this thing/person is just inconvenient.

You might think its madness to change your life or break with your principles or goals in order to have this. Coming after the Emperor with his imperial rules, and after the Hierophant with his communal faith, The Lovers acknowledges a spiritual power that often defies earthly laws and religious traditions. Obeying this urge can be foolish, dangerous, selfish, thoughtless, earth-shattering.

Yet you can say "no" to this attraction. You do have that choice. If, however, you don't allow yourself to try and make this person or thing a part of your life, you may regret it, profoundly and forever.

Near places the card on the table once more, and picks a different one to add to his card castle.

Does he enjoy that gentleness? No, not when it happens during their games. He didn’t mind holding Mello’s hand when they walked through the graveyard in Ljubljana; he even liked the connection, in a way. But Mello being gentle as they challenge each other makes him feel confused, trapped, and like what he’s doing is wrong.

And the most terrifying thing is how it reminds him of something he stumbled upon in Mello’s mind, something deep and scary and far too strong for him to handle. Something that would, without a doubt, shatter the foundations they stand on, and most likely fuck things up for good.

Near takes even longer to answer Genesis question, this time.]

No. They confuse me, and I don’t know why.

I feel a little flattered that my very presence provokes him. It's like assuming that my good looks and charm must have drawn you.

Or it could be the opposite. That I'm drawn towards you. And that's a compliment for you if he thinks that way.

[He chuckles, taking his time, allowing Near a bit more silence. After all, he can feel that this is a topic he needs to dwell on. It's far more complicated than any case thrown at the Agency.]

In what way are you confused? Can you describe it?

[That gets him a slight eyebrow raise. That’s not exactly it, Near doesn’t think; it has to do with how Near never socializes with anyone, an d how he is basically a hermit, but Genesis is included in his very restricted circle of “people he trusts and socializes with from time to time”.

Perhaps Genesis’ good lucks also count, but Near never gave much importance to appearance, or how attractive other people can be simply because of how they look. The mind is so much more interesting, after all.

Is it a compliment? Near doesn’t know. He has always taken Mello’s jealousy as a sign of how possessive the blond is-- just like himself, really; Near used to feel just as jealous about Lili, and then Sollux, after all-- but he has made it clear that he finds him attractive a few times already, like when Near wore the clothes his Meister bought for him as a prank.

Do you like what you see, Mello?

What if I do?]

Like I said, he’s as possessive as I am.

[Genesis is being objective, assessing Near’s emotions through well placed questions, and Near doesn’t know if he should thank him or damn him for it. He really doesn’t feel comfortable with talking about this sort of thing.]

Not very well. I never experienced anything like it, before: I’m not familiar with gentleness at all.

There have been moments when our interactions or our actions could almost be considered gentle, usually after narrowly escaping death or when we were too exhausted to want to play our usual games. I didn’t mind it, those times. But when it’s nothing but a weapon in our usual game, it makes me feel confused and uncomfortable, and no matter how hard I think about it, or how much I dissect it over and over in my mind, I can’t reach a conclusion.

When you feel confused... what do you want to do? Push him away? Ask for more of that same gentleness? It could have something to do with how you feel towards him.

[Genesis sets his tea down, his bright blue eyes fixed on Near as if analyzing him.]

But I think from you, that kind of reaction-- even if it is confusion-- must be something. I feel quite certain that if I was gentle towards you, you would already know what to do with me.

[That question is easy to answer, when compared to all the others, so Near thinks back to the last time it happened.]

I wanted to push him away, but I didn’t. To do so would have brought unwanted attention to my state of mind at the time, and I couldn’t let that happen. I distracted him enough to avoid that matter entirely, and he didn’t notice how busy my mind was for that moment. I couldn’t take any chances.

[At Genesis’ next comments, Near just tilts his head curiously to the side.]

Yes. I would push you away… But I would do the same to anyone else. I don’t feel comfortable with engaging in any sort of physical intimacy with anyone other than Mello.

[He won’t freak the hell out if Genesis, Matt or Sollux hug him, for example, assuming they would even do such a thing, but he would flee for his life if any of them tried being gentle. Near sees why the older man is going for that comparison, but he doesn’t think they can be compared at all.]

A pity. I would have offered to kiss you for the sake of science.

[And Genesis chuckles, a clear sign that he was joking. But he returns to the matter at hand almost business-like.]

Perhaps you are afraid that those gentle moments may truly get you off guard. After all, you were aware that you were still playing your game. But also, maybe that fear stems from your feelings towards him.

It's hard to explain it, really. I was rarely the recipient of gentleness when I was with Carmine, but the second girlfriend I had... not many people knew her. She rarely ventured outdoors, too. Sakuya was a sickly girl with a fixation on the moon. I treated her much like a porcelain doll: breakable, and absolutely precious. But despite her state, her constant gentle manner was like relief to me-- a balm for every hardship that I had faced.

Perhaps due to your competitiveness with him, you aren't open to the idea of letting him soothe you.

[His eyebrows raise but Near doesn’t comment on that. He knows-- and hopes-- he’s only joking, but he can’t help thinking back to the day after Valentine’s day, when Mello said I bet Genesis would kiss you, and how Near doubted that had ever been true. But it doesn’t matter right now, anyway, because his former bodyguard returns to the subject at hand right away.

Near listens to what he says, and he ponders his words for a moment, frowning in thought. He always expects many things to happen, so he is never really caught off-guard; the last time that happened, Near was almost caught off guard when Mello rubbed his thumb along his lips, because the Weapon was too distracted by his own thoughts to realize his partner was about to do that. He really doesn’t think that there’s any kind of fear at play, and he doesn’t understand what it has to do with how he feels and--

Wait.

Feelings? What feelings? What the hell does Genesis think he feels for Mello?]

I don’t have feelings for him.

[Not romantic feelings, at least, which is what he’s sure Genesis is hinting at.]

And he didn’t do it to soothe me, he did it to make me react. It was too close, too gentle, but it was nothing more than a weapon at his disposal, or means to achieve an end.

[He remembers pushing this thought away-- that perhaps he felt so uncomfortable because of how close it all was while meaning nothing at all. Would he have been okay with it if it had actually meant something? No, certainly not; their teasing games simply do not include any kind of gentleness or softness that is genuine and sincere, after all.]

Maybe a part of you doesn't want to believe that.

[Genesis sips his tea once more.]

If you were very certain that he was only doing what he did to earn a reaction from you, then I feel sure that you could easily counter it with your own tactics. But it doesn't seem to be the case here.

But I guess, by getting you into such a confused state... he must be winning.

[He smirks a bit, wondering how Near would take that.]

[Near hasn’t touched his tea in a long while, distracted by tarot cards and his own emotional and mental turmoil, but he reaches for his cup now and takes a sip as well.]

I fully believe that. There are no romantic feelings at play.

[Being on this apartment feels like home, but only because Mello lives with him. He enjoys that odd sense of belonging, and he also enjoys the warmth he feels when he’s with his partner: both from their resonance and the close physical contact when they share the same bed. He liked the thrill he felt-- both his own and Mello’s-- when they found their resonance attack on their most recent mission, as well.

This doesn’t count as having feelings, does it?

Thinking about this makes him look slightly distracted for a moment longer than it should, so that Genesis’ next words take him by surprise. Near freezes entirely; it’s not that he thinks Mello is winning by doing such a thing, but Genesis is right about one thing: he should be able to counter it quite easily with his own tactics, but it always takes him longer than it should to restart his brain and get his next moves in order.

That smirk would have annoyed him once, but he’s convinced that Genesis is wrong, and that he is right.]

If he isn’t aware of his victory, as temporary as it may be, then he isn’t winning.

When it happened, I wanted to push him away or move away entirely, but I stopped him from being gentle by deploying tactics that I knew would distract him from what he was doing. And I was right: soon enough, he let go of the gentleness he had been trying to use against me.

[He takes another sip, and lets the teacup linger against his lips for a second longer than necessary, as he thinks about the way they kissed and everything that followed… as well as what didn’t follow.]

He may have won in that moment, but in the end, he ended up losing, so that small victory doesn’t really matter.

[Mello didn’t win, but neither did Near. They both lost.]

[Throughout the conversation, Genesis doesn't let his gaze wander away from Near. As much as possible, he tries to scrutinize all his actions, as if they were in a game of their own. After all, his challenge now was to break the code that was Near. He has no particular goal in mind or an idea of what he would find once he solved this puzzle, but he is determined to at least let Near open up further and not just resign himself to this confusion he couldn't figure out.

The pause after stating that there are no romantic feelings involved gives Near's thoughts away a little. He might be doubting what he said, or coming up with reasons to why he said so.

And then there is the idea of Mello "winning". Perhaps there was a different way to approach the puzzle now.]

Well then, if there isn't any romance, then what do you feel for your partner?

[Accustomed as he is to being examined and scrutinized by others throughout his life, starting as early as when he was a toddler, Near isn’t bothered at all by Genesis’ close examination. His question doesn’t bother him, either-- the Weapon was expecting it to happen sooner or later-- but that doesn’t mean he won’t have a hard time coming up with an answer.

He doesn’t know what he feels for Mello… but he knows what he doesn’t feel, so perhaps he could start with that?]

I don’t love him, [He begins, rather slowly, with the hesitancy of someone who knows they are about to step on something unpleasant.] I have never experienced such a feeling, romantically or otherwise, and I don’t want to. I’m sure that I lack the synapses necessary to feel love for another human being.

[Mommy just didn’t give him enough hugs as a child, back when his parents were still alive. But even after that, the walls Near built around himself made it quite clear that no one should or could get any closer than what was strictly necessary. Emotions have always been a liability, and even though he’s come to accept feeling them at all, they still scare him more often than he’d like.

Near goes back to his cards, and picks up another one to add to the castle, but upon seeing which major arcana it is, he places it on the table next to L’Amoureux.

IX – L’Ermite. The Hermit. Introspection, silence, reflection, solitude, reclusion, isolation, distance, retreat, quietness.

A potentially dangerous aspect of The Hermit is his retreat, his isolation. We all need to retreat sometimes; retreat and renewal are necessary for growth. But The Hermit may be tempted to completely withdraw from the world, not because the journey is done, but because the dragons of the real are too daunting, or because the trivial pleasures of the cave are too intoxicating.

Withdraw at the wrong time, stay withdrawn too long, and growth stops.]

He is the biggest challenge I’ve ever had, the puzzle I will never be able to solve completely, and the one whose thoughts and actions I can’t predict with one hundred percent accuracy. A wild card. But that’s why I have always liked him, even though he hated me in our world, and also in this one.

[For anyone else, being challenged by their partner wouldn’t be considered something important. For someone like Near, who thrives on having his mind thoroughly stimulated, it’s as necessary as oxygen.]

He doesn’t hate me anymore, obviously. We’ve grown closer than I ever thought we would, and closer than I thought I’d be able to handle. There is something you should know about us, and how we were raised: we were taught that any kind of relationship would be a liability, that being close to someone else would be dangerous for us and whoever we were close to; we were taught how to lie, as if we didn’t know how to do it already, and to manipulate others expertly. Letting our walls down would be unthinkable, impossible, and suicidal. But we managed to do that, here.

[He feels very uncomfortable telling Genesis this much about their past, but he realizes that the older man needs this level of detail in order to assess their situation correctly, that he needs to know just how emotionally dysfunctional they are to observe things in the right perspective.]

I have never liked physical contact of any kind, but like how he touches me. I have always fled from any kind of intimacy, but I like kissing him. I have never slept in anyone’s presence, but I like sleeping with him.

[As he explained things to Genesis, his voice has, disturbingly, become softer-- the change is barely even perceptible, but it’s most definitely there-- and Near only notices that now. He’s quick to change that: when he speaks again, his voice is back to its usual neutral tone.]

I don’t have feelings for him, but he’s the only one I’ll ever allow to get this close.

[Once again, Genesis takes the time to absorb all that information and process it through his mind. Indeed, this was a complicated situation. It would have been simple enough if Near grew up the way he did: not steeled to detach himself from human companionship. But no. This wasn't so.

Because of this, he saw bits of Sephiroth in him: brought up to be a tool, and thus finds it harder to socialize. What set them apart was that Sephiroth was made to be a leader, not a hermit. And he allowed himself to grow close to himself and Angeal, the third member of their trio.

Genesis thinks he's figured some of this out. Near could argue that he doesn't feel, but the truth was that those feelings were in him. It is just that he did not know how to recognize it.]

The way I see it, you do hold feelings for him. They may not be exactly romantic, but you clearly speak of him fondly. You like the things he does. You welcome them.

There is no doubt that you have grown attached to him. If you relish each action he does to you... then consider that it must be something deeper than just liking him.

[He smiles, he knew love well. He had fallen in love many times to be able to dissect it.]

[In a way, Near was made to be a leader, except he was meant to lead from the shadows, without anyone knowing who he is or just how important he is to the world as they know it. Being L required erasing his identity completely, until he was no longer Near: until the Letter was everything that defined him.

(In the end, he never could erase himself entirely; Near used to regret that, before coming to Death City, but he no longer thinks that way.)

Genesis’ words make him pause for a long moment, as Near thinks this over in his mind. He starts working on his card castle again, but then he picks up The Chariot-- a card that has always made him think of Mello-- and stops, then places it by The Hermit’s side with motions that could almost be considered careful, or even gentle, and returns once again to his troubled thoughts.

Near knows he has grown attached to him. He knows that he needs him, and that if Mello were killed or sent back to their world, he would no longer be the same-- he would no longer feel alive. Mello admitted as much, and Near admitted it as well, albeit indirectly, by saying he felt the same way his partner did. He knows this already.

I knew what I would lose if you died. Even back then, I knew there was more at stake than resonance. I tried damn hard not to think about going back to the flat alone. Doesn't that tell you everything?

You're not fucking allowed to die either. I wouldn't feel right without you. Apparently, I need someone to irritate me constantly to make me feel like I'm really alive.

Near begins to twirl his hair, and then stops entirely when he thinks of Mello’s hands doing that for him. Damn it, it’s as if his mind is playing games with him by bringing up evidence that Genesis’s words are too true for comfort.]

I know I need him, and that he needs me. I know we would no longer feel alive if one of us were killed or sent back to our world.

[The words come out slowly, quietly, as if he’s revealing a secret that no one else is supposed to know, ever, and it’s obvious how uneasy he feels right now with how much he’s revealing. Near doesn’t do emotions, it’s not who he is, and having to talk about what he feels for his partner is not something he wants to do at all.]

I don’t understand. If this is deeper than just liking him, then what is it? Lust doesn’t apply, we haven’t done anything sexual yet.

[“Yet” being the keyword here, because what happened when they came home after their mission in Ljubljana is still fresh in his mind, as if it happened minutes instead of days ago, and Near can’t shake it off no matter how much he tries.]

[Genesis couldn't help but stifle a little laugh. His eyes twinkle a little as he recognizes that "need"-- the idea that they couldn't feel alive without each other. And then he pauses. Had I felt the same way to my sun and moon?

And then he realizes that he does. They're idealized to him, but he can't live without them on his mind: Carmine's fiery passion, and Sakuya's tender care. They are his goddesses that haunt him in his sleep. And they convince him that he has never let go of their memory.]

When you don't feel as if you can go on without him... don't you think those are the synapses that allow humans to feel love?

I don't think they've been totally removed from you.

#16 [audio, private to Genesis] || May 8th

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[aaand action forever]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

Re: [action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]

[action]