soul_campaign

[There is quite abruptly a very upset teenage troll on the screen. He's glaring at the camera as if it has personally offended him. Normally he would have done this over text, but he wants to see familiar faces, and besides, the best speeches aren't given over text.]

Listen up, nooksniffers. Here's how this is going to go. I don't have time for this war. I'm already fighting in one, and that one I actually give a shit about. Since I can't leave until this place stops getting his ass kicked, the plan is to win this stupid war as quickly as possible so we can all get back to our miserable lives wherever we came from.

Okay? Good. So, what's being done around here to get everyone battle ready? Whatever it is, sign me up. I need to figure out this whole fucking "being a weapon" thing. [He even does the air quotes for added effect.] Talk to me about the training and shit. Otherwise, keep your squawk blisters shut and brutally destroy those Kishin things.

With one exception. [He raises his pointer finger at the camera. It is not the finger he's used to raising, and he very nearly flubs that up. He's used to giving speeches over text, alright. Maybe he should have done that instead...] I've already seen a couple of familiar faces around here, which leads me to believe there might be more somewhat tolerable assholes around here that I might be familiar with. If you are one of those losers, report to me so I know who's here and therefore not in as much grave danger. Worrying about you bulgelickers is a full time fucking job, alright, and I don't want to have to worry any more than I have to, because it's annoying as shit.

Alright, I'm out. [There's a little fumble and a muffled curse, along with a lovely view of the floor of Karkat's place in Casualty Communal before the feed cuts out.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ She frowns. ] Yeah, different parts of Earth I guess. [ She's seen some kids go through some pretty horrific things. Like all those poor kids fathered by a Troubled man who just needed and harvested their organs to keep himself from dying. And if they fought him off and lived? Their own Trouble was activated and they had to fight to continue living the same way - by stealing other people's organs, or else they'd die a horrible death.

And that was just one Trouble in a sea of Troubles, and she just has to sit there and remember that one for a moment. Then her own silence forces her out of it and back into the present. ]

Yes, I'm law enforcement. Or was. [ She isn't too sure what she is here. ] And yeah, I guess "messed up shit" is as good a way to put it as other things I've heard. Though I know you trolls have had to go through plenty of "messed up shit" too.

You can still be, if you want to. I'm pretty sure they have law enforcement type stuff here.

Yeah, we don't get all that coddling bullshit. It's every troll for himself from the moment you hatch. It's not all that bad though. I mean, Alternia had a really powerful society because we set things up that way. There wasn't a planet we couldn't conquer if we wanted to.

Ah, I managed to find something similar to what I used to do. [ She was a detective then, she's a detective now... Only real difference is now it's for a private agency, whereas before she worked directly as an officer of the Haven Police Department. ] Makes the transition easier.

[ She frowns at the rest of what he says. ] So... You don't know your parents at all? Or do they just watch and not care?

[ Part of her seethes at the idea of parents leaving their kids to fend for themselves. All she can really think about in that moment is The Colorado Kid, and the way he was raised by the Cogans - with such love. ]

That's good. I have a friend who's crazy about the justice system. Or, well, maybe she isn't now, I'm not sure what's really going on with her. But, the point is, there's always room for some good ones.

Trolls aren't like humans. We don't have parents. We each have a lusus, but they're only there to teach us to fend for ourselves and to protect us. We can't really communicate with them.

... Huh?

[ Psii sort of skipped that part when they talked about troll childhood... ]

Oh god dammit. Okay, I know it's hard, or whatever, but delete everything you know about reproduction. We don't work that way. The mother grub takes all the genetic material of the population old enough to contribute and lays a shit ton of eggs. The eggs hatch, we eat and poop and wiggle around. Basically, we're useless until we pupate. Then, we fight in the trials, and if you survive you get a lusus and build a hive, with the higher classes getting better ones, obviously.

[ Quirked eyebrow is a go. ]

Um. All right then.

But I can't really "delete" everything I know about reproduction. I sort of... Need that knowledge if I- [ She stops and starts again. ] To keep functioning.

I was making sure you approached this with an open mind! You don't actually have to delete what you know about reproduction, for fuck's sake! _{[Oh god, what if she can actually do that. He would have royally screwed her over there.]}

You ought to be careful of that here. Some people take things too literally. [ Way too literally. She frowns a little. ]

You sure seem to get flustered easily.

Yeah, I should have been more careful there. It gets confusing when most people look human. You are human, right?

Fuck you, I am as unflappable as they come, thanks.

Maybe. [ Only a little teasing is in her tone, but she's not really smiling.

On some level, deep down, she has to wonder herself still, if she's human or not. The previous identities would say not, but she feels human. She bleeds, she's hurt, like a human.

It's all very confusing.

And then she just cracks an amused half-smile at the troll. ]

Yes, your overuse of the F-bomb gave me that idea.

I'm Audrey, by the way. Audrey Parker. [ Not giving her name makes her feel rude, and she feels a little strange talking to someone whose name she doesn't yet know. ]

_{[Sensitive subject? Well, he won't pry. It doesn't really matter if she's human all that much anyway, as long as she's on his side and is fighting to win the war, he doesn't care.]}

It's for emphasis. You can't express certain things properly without emphasis!

Karkat Vantas. Nice to meet you, I guess.

[ She can't help smiling at that, shaking her head just a little. ] Oh yeah. Emphasis. Because that's how everyone displays emphasis. [ Only a little condescending. Tiny bit. ]

Nice to meet you, Karkat.

So. How many trolls are there? Millions? Billions?

[ She can't help it, she's curious. ]

I'll admit it's not necessarily a common practice, but it's the best way to do it, in my opinion. It gets assholes to pay attention to you really quickly.

Depends on when you're talking about. In Signless's time, there's a whole planet full. In my time, there's six trolls my age, including me, and the Empress left. That's all.

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