VIDEO

[redregrets]

[There is quite abruptly a very upset teenage troll on the screen. He's glaring at the camera as if it has personally offended him. Normally he would have done this over text, but he wants to see familiar faces, and besides, the best speeches aren't given over text.]

Listen up, nooksniffers. Here's how this is going to go. I don't have time for this war. I'm already fighting in one, and that one I actually give a shit about. Since I can't leave until this place stops getting his ass kicked, the plan is to win this stupid war as quickly as possible so we can all get back to our miserable lives wherever we came from.

Okay? Good. So, what's being done around here to get everyone battle ready? Whatever it is, sign me up. I need to figure out this whole fucking "being a weapon" thing. [He even does the air quotes for added effect.] Talk to me about the training and shit. Otherwise, keep your squawk blisters shut and brutally destroy those Kishin things.

With one exception. [He raises his pointer finger at the camera. It is not the finger he's used to raising, and he very nearly flubs that up. He's used to giving speeches over text, alright. Maybe he should have done that instead...] I've already seen a couple of familiar faces around here, which leads me to believe there might be more somewhat tolerable assholes around here that I might be familiar with. If you are one of those losers, report to me so I know who's here and therefore not in as much grave danger. Worrying about you bulgelickers is a full time fucking job, alright, and I don't want to have to worry any more than I have to, because it's annoying as shit.

Alright, I'm out. [There's a little fumble and a muffled curse, along with a lovely view of the floor of Karkat's place in Casualty Communal before the feed cuts out.]

Comments

[redregrets]

_{[Ugh why does he have to say this.]} Stupid sex jokes Egbert, for fuck's sake. I don't know what tying someone means in your culture, but in ours, it's kind of a dirty act. _{[Oh my god he's blushing this is awful why are you making him explain this.]}

[pranksterheir]

It's not always a dirty act. You could tie someone up to kidnap them.

[redregrets]

Alright, you know what John, we're just going to stop fucking talking about this and get back on track here. So tying him to the bed is fucking out. Why don't we just talk to him like civilized fucking assholes?

[pranksterheir]

Because I tried that already and he just brushed me off.

[redregrets]

Yeah, but you didn't try it with me. We'll double team him, and then he'll have to see sense.

[pranksterheir]

I hope so. I don't want him to run himself into the ground.

[redregrets]

How long exactly has he been pulling this ridiculous routine?

[pranksterheir]

I am pretty sure since we got here. Or a couple days after.

[redregrets]

Ugh, alright, that makes things more complicated. If he's been doing this for a while, it will probably be difficult to get him to stop. Alright, we'll talk to him first and I'll yell at him and tell him he's a shithead with a clearly minuscule thinkpan, and if that doesn't work, then we'll tie him to something.

[pranksterheir]

I don't think yelling at him and calling him names is a very good idea... What if he just gets more resistant because of it?

[redregrets]

John, you called upon me for help. I yell at people. That is what I'm good at. If you have any other suggestions, let me know, but the only method of convincing someone I am particularly skilled at is yelling and swearing.

[pranksterheir]

Maybe you could just talk to him really firmly but without yelling?

[redregrets]

John, I talk firmly to everyone. It's sort of my fucking thing.

[pranksterheir]

So do that! Talk firmly without yelling.

[redregrets]

Okay, fine. I need details though. What exactly is he spending his time doing? You said working, but what the fuck is he working on?

[pranksterheir]

Watch shift, his job as a DJ, another watch shift, then morning training. He sleeps for a couple hours at morning training. If he would just drop his second watch shift, he could actually get some sleep and train when we're supposed to instead of napping.

[redregrets]

Are you serious? And they let him sleep at morning training? This is fucking ridiculous. Humans are supposed to be sleeping at night. Leave it to Dave to completely destroy himself trying to fucking help. I'm surprised you're not doing it too John. Alright, in that case, he's going to argue he's not tired, and that he's just fine sleeping in morning training. It's our job to prove him wrong about that. Catch him yawning and shit on tape. You can't argue with a video recording.

[pranksterheir]

Hey, I'm not that crazy. I am pretty sure if humans don't sleep and recharge their brain, it can possibly kill them.

[That won't be hard to do, seeing as they live together.]

[redregrets]

_{[Uh oh John you shouldn't have said that.]} What? Are you telling me Dave is killing himself? _{[Oh god, why isn't John more freaked out about this? Karkat cannot lose another friend. It's not happening.]}

[pranksterheir]

What? No, he's not doing it on purpose, and at least he's getting some sleep, but he's getting, like, half of what he should.

[redregrets]

But he's still killing himself, even if he isn't doing it on purpose? Oh god, he's doing it so slowly, he probably doesn't even know he's doing it. John, this is fucking serious. We might have to tie him to the bed after all. Do humans have something that makes you fall asleep?

[pranksterheir]

Humans have tons of things that make you fall asleep.

[redregrets]

Okay, that's good. What sort of things? What do we have to do to get them to work?

[pranksterheir]

Well, not all of them are good ideas...

[redregrets]

God dammit John give me a good one then!