soul_campaign

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VIDEO

[There is quite abruptly a very upset teenage troll on the screen. He's glaring at the camera as if it has personally offended him. Normally he would have done this over text, but he wants to see familiar faces, and besides, the best speeches aren't given over text.]

Listen up, nooksniffers. Here's how this is going to go. I don't have time for this war. I'm already fighting in one, and that one I actually give a shit about. Since I can't leave until this place stops getting his ass kicked, the plan is to win this stupid war as quickly as possible so we can all get back to our miserable lives wherever we came from.

Okay? Good. So, what's being done around here to get everyone battle ready? Whatever it is, sign me up. I need to figure out this whole fucking "being a weapon" thing. [He even does the air quotes for added effect.] Talk to me about the training and shit. Otherwise, keep your squawk blisters shut and brutally destroy those Kishin things.

With one exception. [He raises his pointer finger at the camera. It is not the finger he's used to raising, and he very nearly flubs that up. He's used to giving speeches over text, alright. Maybe he should have done that instead...] I've already seen a couple of familiar faces around here, which leads me to believe there might be more somewhat tolerable assholes around here that I might be familiar with. If you are one of those losers, report to me so I know who's here and therefore not in as much grave danger. Worrying about you bulgelickers is a full time fucking job, alright, and I don't want to have to worry any more than I have to, because it's annoying as shit.

Alright, I'm out. [There's a little fumble and a muffled curse, along with a lovely view of the floor of Karkat's place in Casualty Communal before the feed cuts out.]

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Ask BREW, it's a classic question. And don't spoil me, while you're at it. I like not knowing how shitty my life or non-life is or is going to be. Keeps the surprise alive.

[ he snorts, chuckles, and makes the most over-all embarrassing excuse for a laugh ever heard and he really couldn't care less. it's Karkat and he's back and real and here and hell if that wasn't worth something. ]

We should measure 'em.

Sure, but I couldn't tell you shit, even if I wanted to. That's what happens when you fuck off somewhere without your best friend like the useless sack of grubloaf you are.

Shut up Sollux. You're an embarrassment to all trollkind when you laugh like that. _{[He grins a little though. He's forgotten how natural it was to banter back with Sollux. He's missed this a lot.]} What? No, we're not fucking measuring my horns! Besides, we don't know what their measurements were before. I certainly don't measure my horns in front of the mirror every night, I don't know about you Captor.

Hey man, don't be hating. I had places to see, people to do.

Of course you don't know. Me, I fondle these babies every evening in the reflecting pane, get my mad appreciation on. Big plans for you guys, I whisper to them, fondly.

Yeah, and you couldn't take me along, nookblister? You had to leave me with the most annoying and messed up group of assholes I've ever had the misfortune of sharing a meteor with?

Euugh, I do not need to know about your horn fondling habits Sollux that's fucking cruel and unusual punishment. Just because you have an extra set doesn't mean they're going to be bigger than mine when they're fully grown.

Dead dudes only, bro, or previously-dead. You didn't fit the criteria.

Shit, have you seen my ancestor, you great gibbering bulgewipe?

Sollux, everyone died at least once. I died on Prospit like a useless shit watching Jack go on a complete rampage. I should have been invited.

Obviously you're not monitoring my previous conversations. I talked to him. I didn't see him. _{[Oh god Sollux is going to tell him his ancestor has a giant rack. This is horrible. He already knows Signless's horns are practically the same size as his.]}

Dream-selves don't count, grubfuck.

Dude, I monitor everything. Wait 'til you meet him, it'll be great. [ One of the many things Sollux is proud of in regards to his ancestor, and perhaps the only thing he'll outright admit to being proud of. The Captor-gene rack is magnificent. ]

You're not allowed to just add rules like that Sollux! Your only requirement for this useless palooza through space was death, and there's no take backs. Besides, if dream selves don't count you'd still have to take all the corpses with you.

You know what Sollux, I look forward to meeting your ancestor, because unlike you, he's not an absolute pain in the nook to talk to. He's actually pleasant, so I don't know what the fuck went wrong with you.

Fine, how about "nubby bulgeweals with big flaps don't count"? I can get right down to specifics and name names, but that'd require an appointment. See my receptionist.

[ Hear that hacking, nerdy sound again? Guess who's back on the fast-track to chuckleville. ]

You wanna know what went wrong with me, KK? You wanna know what happened?

Swag, KK. Swag happened.

You're awful. I'm surprised my think pan hasn't exploded from your sheer idiocy and dripped oozing matter out of my auricular sponge clots. Being in your presence causes me more pain than any lifeform should be allowed to experience. They should give me an award entitled "You survived Sollux Captor's presence for an extended period of time." In my acceptance speech, I will explain that it was a rough road for all, and it was only through my perseverance and patience that I survived the experience. The audience applauds and bursts into tears at my moving words.

Someone lobs a tomato and it lodges perfectly and squarely on a nubby horn. The audience explodes into raucous laughter and applause.

Just admit it, bro. You're jelly that you can't ever hope to eclipse a fine specimen such as myself.

That tomato get lobbed right back at the prick who threw it, exploding all over his stupid red and blue glasses. Oh no, now both sides are red. Oh, the horror!

I am not "jelly." _{[He even does the finger quotes for emphasis.]} In fact, being me and not you is probably the best thing that has ever happened and will ever happen to me.

Fuck you, KK, and the raging shitbeast you pranced in on. We all know nobody could distinguish between you and the toadstools in your thermal hull.

[ But he's grinning like a maniac, even if it can't be seen, and boy does he feel relieved. He's missed this stupid banter and spewing shit of his own like he is now. ]

My thermal hull's toadstools are at least more attractive than you! Your gruesome mutated husk couldn't get any less attractive if you were mauled by a member of the undead.

Says the bulgestain who couldn't get himself pailed by even the most self-deprecating wood chipper this side of the temporal envelope! Anything with a functioning puzzle sponge takes one gander at you and immediately self-destructs from sheer horror and embarrassment.

Yeah? Well, apparently your sponge is completely absent since you've looked at me loads of times, and I can't say it's a surprise you're lacking any means of functioning like a normal, decent troll. Instead, you wander around lisping at any poor soul that can stand listening to the complete garbage coming out of your chitinous windhole.

I'm sorry, KK, ssssssay again?

[ kyahaha ]

What does it say about you that you've been talking to me all this time? You masochistic husk of hoofshit.

Alright, point. _{[Hey, he's the one who knocked your teeth out dude. You should be thanking him.]} You still sounds like an idiot though, Mr. I can't decide if I'm alive or dead so I'll just do both!

It's not my fault I haven't seen you in three years, bulgebreath! The least you could do is have one decent conversation with me before you fuck off into space again.

Excuse you, bro. It was a choice between bumping shoulders with a bunch of slack-jawed pink-fleshed adolescent chimpanzees, corpses, and an eerily-grinning juggalo or fucking off into the endless horizon with a fine piece of god-tier Megido. Which would've you chosen?

[ But he's shrugging, and staring at the screen and trying not to grin too much. That's just sappy, bro. Ew. ]

Guess I can make up for lost time now.

Look, I would have made the same choice, but I still think it wouldn't have been that much trouble to take me along!

You better! Between you being passed out and being whisked away by Aradia, it's kind of been a while since we've actually had a chance to just hang out. Because we're friends. ...We're still friends, right? Now that you're all buddy buddy with Aradia, it's kind of hard to tell.

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