soul_campaign | text; 022 - APRIL 29/'10

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text; 022 - APRIL 29/'10 - early evening

s0 let me ask now while i've still g0t the cajones t0:
how many 0f you nub-witted bipedals 0ut there actually know h0w to handle a standard c0mputer.
or even these shitty mirr0rs.
and on a s0mewhat (not really) related n0te:
combat training.
wh0 has it?

[ FILTER; trolls ]
eridan's g0ne.
i don't kn0w if it's on his 0wn or if BREW's just g0ne on an0ther binge.
he's not ar0und that i can tell.
[ /FILTER ]

[ FILTER; dat empress ]
hey y0u.
how ab0ut it.
you.
me.
b0ttle of s0da and a movie 0r some shit.
b0w chika bow w0w.
call me.
[ /FILTER ]

[ FILTER; mattbutt ]
sing 0r hum the aperture science theme at my corpse party.
0r whatever you weird0s call it when some0ne kicks it.
bring juice.
[ /FILTER ]

((translation:
So let me ask now while I've still got the cajones to:
How many of you nub-witted bipedals out there actually know how to handle a standard computer?
Or ever those shitty mirrors.
And on a somewhat (not really) related note:
Combat training.
Who has it?))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

How?

Because I have everyone else out there to watch my back.

[ This is, perhaps, the most stupid, purile, and utterly embarrassing thing Sollux has ever said, and that's saying a lot, considering his track record.

He's not a kid of sentiment, is the thing, hates to admit to needing help or advice or friends. Hates to add his shit to someone else's pile of problems. Above all, he hates the idea that by displaying all this schmoopy shit, it makes him weak, lesser than what he was taught trolls aught to be like. ]

I got you.

[ Motherfucker.

Matt looks away from the screen. It's not like he will be able to convince the kid not to go. Trolls are stubborn as rock, he found out. ]

Alright. [ Near has the cameras. Near wouldn't let anything happen. And Sollux knows what he is doing, Matt has to trust him, right? ]

Okay.

[ there is a pause, before he calls out again ]

Sol.

[ it would detract from the moment if sollux outright admitted that near's penchant for voyeurism is the only reason why he's doing something this stupid.

Welp. ]

Yeah?

[ his voice dies, or maybe it never got out. He should let go. Pretend this conversation is done and over and go back to never speak or think of anything again.

Yes. Do that, Matt. What's the point?

They never talked about any of this. And any of that. They mention it from time to time, but quickly jump over the matter. What is there to talk?

Ah well, shit. ]

Listen for a bit without sassy remarks, okay? [ because Matt will try to make sense of things. At least a bit. ]

Yes, you freak me out. You have no fucking idea how much you scare me. [ he scoffs. Mostly at himself ] Can you really blame me for that? I never wanted anything like love or romance or pity or whatever you trolls call it, I never wanted to get attached. And then BAM, I'm dead, then I'm alive again, and now I got this guy right here which I used to - apparently - date.

And it'd be fine if I had just ignored the whole thing from the start. If I had decided not to meet you. [ Matt scratches the back of his head for a second ] But then I thought you were cool. And from that I kinda started to care. [ that is what freaks him out about Sollux. The fact that he makes Matt care about him. ]

I thought it was because I felt guilty for forgetting you. But it's there even when you piss me off. And I didn't feel guilty when I called you in the middle of the night to the Hospital. [ he felt relaxed instead.

Oh, Matt isn't sure what he was trying to say anymore. Funny, how people call him genius, but he isn't even capable of gathering the right words to explain something like this, or keep a line of thoughts. He can only conclude: ]

I'm attached. To you. I guess. [ even if that's something he didn't want, and he ran from it like a scared idiot. ]

You--

[ wait a minute ]

Really?

[ That's something. A little shocking, yes. He'd always assumed Matt didn't want that kind of thing, since his return. Sollux, he understood that kind of mindset; he'd had it himself, didn't he?

It's a surprise, and, underneath it all, a little pleasing. ]

You know you have every right not to be, right?

Yeah. I know. [ he told himself that over and over. Because guilt is shitty as fuck, so he had to tell himself that.

But even telling himself that, he still is attached to Sollux ]

But I still am.

You're dumb.

[ but he says it with a certain level of fondness and a certain level of regret.

wouldn't Matt have been better off if Sollux had just left him alone? ]

But I guess that's okay for now.

So are you.

[ he shakes his head with a smile of disbelief ]

Don't-- pretend everything is alright. [ and pretend nothing ever happened. Because Matt IS aware of it. He can't help but to be aware of it. Because he is attached to Sollux ]

I can take it.

Yeah. Sure you can.

[ better to pretend everything's fine than to give in and just wail about how goddamn stupid this entire situation is. this isn't fair. life isn't fair. the universe isn't fare, fuck it and its ways.

if he pretends it's all right, sometimes he can even believe it, and isn't that something better than nothing at all? ]

It's because every single one of you assumes I can't that this whole deal frustrates me even more, Sollux. [ Sollux, Mello - hell - even Near thread around this matter like they are afraid something will snap.

And sure, Matt was a coward so far. He did avoid it all the time. But with everyone allowing him to avoid it, he will just indulge in it even more.

But he can take it. ]

I know you can handle it.

[ it's his own side he's not too sure about is the thing. ]

There's a thing called 'coping' out there in the world, maybe you've heard of it.

Okay.

[ there is also the thing about not knowing what to say next. ]

... that's it, I guess. [ what now? ]

Yeah.

[ a pause, and a look on his face like he's in the midst of some horrific, internal war. ]

Hey, Matt?

Yeah?

[ he looks like he's about to speak, opens his mouth to and squares his shoulders like he's expecting a fight. there's nothing though, in the end. no words, no explanation, no great revelation or outburst. not even the embarrassing squeak that he was expecting to come in place of anything relevant or useful. nothing, just nothing.

shoulders slump, and his expression clears. he shakes his head. ]

... Nothing. Never mind.

Tell me. [ because Matt does this a lot too. Too often.

Matt wants to know. ]

It's really stupid.

[ it really is, dude ]

Aha. [ Matt shakes his head with a small smile ]

I will be the judge of that. What is it?

[ Sollux watches the screen for a moment more before holding the SC outward, away from him, like he's trying to give the camera a broader view. Raises the hand not preoccupied with holding the little mirror up, and cups his fingers into a shape that takes up over half the screen.

It's stupid, with only one hand. This is stupid. Sollux is stupid. What is that symbol anyway? It's just his thumb pointed down, fingers curled downward just so in a shape that resembles a question mark. ]

[ What are you doing Sollux, shouldn't you be talk-

oh.

OH.

He gets it now.

Woah.

Wow.

No, it's just.

Aha, he can't even think of something funny to say about it. He can't.

It's-

He is a bit dumbfounded. And so when he opens his mouth, no sound comes out yet. Not until he catches himself, finally. ]

It doesn't really work with a hand only.

[ the redhead moves his hand to mimic Sollux's hand, forming also an interrogation mark, and so completing it. His throat becomes dry and it's hard to swallow. What is this? Matt has no idea.

How lame.

They are both so lame, aren't they? ]

Edited 2013-02-02 13:19 (UTC)

[ lamest of the lame, and that's not even exaggerating.

to say sollux is struck dumb by the gesture is nothing less than a gross understatement. he's speechless. shocked that matt would and could return the gesture just like that. shocked beyond words that he'd done it first instead of just turning off the SC like any sane fuckwad would do.

then his shoulders hunch, his head ducks down. the screen wobbles a bit, like he's uncertain whether to keep it going or to just shut it off and spare himself the trouble and shame of trying to maintain his quickly-crumbling coolshit facade. (like it ever existed in the first place.) ]

... Yeah.

[ Matt lowers his hand. It's not like he knows what he is doing. He doesn't. At all. He has no idea what he should do or say after. Matt is in completely unknown territory and he isn't even sure if he should be going in any deeper.

But it's just.

Sollux's face.

Maybe.

Or is it his voice?

No. It's all of him.

Stupid kid for making him care and get attached and think about things he never has cared for before, for making him wonder how it was and for making him want to know how it was. Stupid grub for making him angry when he does and says stupid shit, causing Matt to scream at him, even if the redhead never cared enough to keep up a discussion when they happen. Stupid brat for being so relaxing and fun to hang out with, even if Matt always preferred the company of his games and nothing else.

Stupid troll and his stupid horns and his stupid hair and his stupid gray skin. ]

So... [ what now? ]

Go write up my eulogy so I can laugh at it when I get back from my hot date.

[ they're stupid and this is stupid and Sollux never ceases to be a smooth motherfucker even now. goddamn he's good. ]

[ and stupid asshole for still insisting on going ]

Won't you at least bring someone along?

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