soul_campaign

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VIDEO

[There is quite abruptly a very upset teenage troll on the screen. He's glaring at the camera as if it has personally offended him. Normally he would have done this over text, but he wants to see familiar faces, and besides, the best speeches aren't given over text.]

Listen up, nooksniffers. Here's how this is going to go. I don't have time for this war. I'm already fighting in one, and that one I actually give a shit about. Since I can't leave until this place stops getting his ass kicked, the plan is to win this stupid war as quickly as possible so we can all get back to our miserable lives wherever we came from.

Okay? Good. So, what's being done around here to get everyone battle ready? Whatever it is, sign me up. I need to figure out this whole fucking "being a weapon" thing. [He even does the air quotes for added effect.] Talk to me about the training and shit. Otherwise, keep your squawk blisters shut and brutally destroy those Kishin things.

With one exception. [He raises his pointer finger at the camera. It is not the finger he's used to raising, and he very nearly flubs that up. He's used to giving speeches over text, alright. Maybe he should have done that instead...] I've already seen a couple of familiar faces around here, which leads me to believe there might be more somewhat tolerable assholes around here that I might be familiar with. If you are one of those losers, report to me so I know who's here and therefore not in as much grave danger. Worrying about you bulgelickers is a full time fucking job, alright, and I don't want to have to worry any more than I have to, because it's annoying as shit.

Alright, I'm out. [There's a little fumble and a muffled curse, along with a lovely view of the floor of Karkat's place in Casualty Communal before the feed cuts out.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That depends on what button you press, de arimasu. It can do anything from function as an alarm clock, to changing the molecular structure of living beings so that they turn into piles of jelly, de arimasu to creating anything you want it to, de arimasu. It's the ultimate invasion weapon.

And it's not really clearing your head so much as it is imagining yourself in a bubble, de arimasu. At least, that's how Eve-dono taught me to do it.

Holy shit, that sounds badass. It also sounds really fucking dangerous. What if you punch the wrong button and slaughter yourself?

A bubble? ...An empty one, right?

That's why it's only given to responsible leaders that know how to work it properly, de arimasu.

[Besides, Keroro's pressed wrong buttons on that thing lots of times and is still okay.]

But if you're in it...I don't see how it's empty, de arimasu?

That's a lot of responsibility. I mean, if you mess up, you could end up killing yourself, or one of your friends.

Well, yeah, fucking duh, I'm in it, but I mean, there's not other stuff in there with me, right?

But when you're the leader, you have to live with things like that, de arimasu. Because you're the one that everyone counts on, de arimasu.

......Air?

....Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I guess some people are just better at it than others. _{[Because he was a shit leader.]}

Yeah, air, but no other trolls or scenery or shit like that right? _{[He can't help thinking about the dream bubbles and those were more traumatic than anything else.]}

That's true, de arimasu. But there are many different kinds of leaders, de arimasu. Sometimes, someone is an effective leader, but shouldn't be allowed to be one just because they're really scary when they let the power go to their heads, de arimasu.

[....] Why would there be something like that, de arimasu? It's just a normal bubble, de arimasu. Like the kind you make with a wand, de arimasu.

Yeah, I can think of a leader like that. _{[Whoops he just talked to her and she threatened to kill him.]}

I don't fucking know, just ignore me. I'm used to a different sort of bubble. Okay, so I'm alone in the bubble. Then what?

So can I, de arimasu. [And he's so glad that Tamama isn't here.]

Then you imagine the bubble around you changing shape, de arimasu.

That sucks for you.

Changing shape? Into what? _{[This is so confusing.]} Oh, wait, you mean into whatever my weapon form's supposed to be?

Well, he doesn't normally get to be the leader anyways, de arimasu. Leader For a Day wasn't really one of my better plans, de arimasu.

[He is still haunted by the time Tamama ordered a huge machine that made everything candy. Horrible memories.]

If you don't really know what shape your weapon form's supposed to be, I think you can just imagining it just changing shape in general, de arimasu.

Leader for a day? That is about the most idiotic plan I've ever heard. How the fuck did you think that was a good idea, when probably half of your team weren't suited for being the leader.

Well, I know what shape it should be, because even though last time I was here I was an axe or something, I'm going to be my weapon. I will not stand for being anything else. _{[He just hopes the universe is being nice to him for once, which isn't likely.]}

It...It seemed like a good idea at the time, de arimasu. I mean....they're always complaining how I don't do a good job, so I thought they should see that it was actually really difficult, de arimasu... [How did he know they'd be so frightening when they got the power in their hands...?]

Things hardly ever happen like that, de arimasu. Not that it couldn't, but it might be better if you don't have expectations like that, de arimasu. [I mean, Keroro thought that he was going to be a Gundam. Or Char Aznable. (Never mind that Char Aznable isn't even a weapon but a person)]

I can understand that you wanted them to see how hard it was. Being a leader is not all it's cut out to be. But seriously, I don't even need to meet your team and I know there were probably a lot of idiots who did a lot of useless, dangerous, or stupid shit with their time as leader.

Okay, fine. So I just think of whatever weapon comes to mind? I could be thinking of weapons for fucking ages!

[Actually...]

It's not so much that they did useless, dangerous or stupid things, de arimasu. They were pretty good at it, de arimasu.

[It's just that for the sake of having their show keep airing on TV, they couldn't actually succeed.]

No, no, de arimasu. We're not imagining the bubble turning into a weapon, de arimasu. Imagine it changing shape into anything you want, de arimasu. Like a duck or something.

Oh. Really? Wow, lucky you then. You must have really good team mates then.

How is that relevant? I don't want to turn into a duck! What's the point of imagining it changing shape if it's not going to turn into a weapon?

Well, we are the best Keron has to offer, de arimasu. [According to Keroro, anyway.]

Weapons are strange, strange things, de arimasu. For all you know, it could be a weapon of mass destruction pretending to be a cuddly duck, de arimasu.

So, you're like the top legion. The best of the best? _{[He never thought he'd have this much admiration for a frog thing.]}

I don't want to be a god damn duck. Or look like a duck, whatever. I'm going to be badass, whatever I am. There's no way I'm turning into something that looks cute, even if it turns out to be powerful as all hell.

Of course, de arimasu! [Which is a blatant lie. But it's not like anyone can call him out on it.]

I've heard that some people can change form though, de arimasu. Like from a ribbon to a spear. You could change from a rubber duck to a chainsaw or something, de arimasu.

Holy shit, really? That's so badass! You have to tell me stories from your campaigns! _{[He's fanboying over a frog. This is a new experience.]}

....I guess that wouldn't be so bad, I guess. Chainsaws are cool, even if it would be humiliating to be a rubber ducky first.

I'd be honoured to, de arimasu!
[And of course, his role in more than half of those stories will be heavily exaggerated.]

I think it would probably be just as bad for the person who has to wield you, de arimasu.

Well? Tell me about a really brutal campaign! Or a really awesome last minute victory.

They'd just have to fucking suck it up if they want to use me so bad. ...Use me as a weapon, I mean, obviously.

A really awesome and brutal campaign. Then...how about the Caries War, de arimasu? We ended up having to sacrifice someone for the greater good. There was a huge explosion [in Keroro's mouth] and everything, de arimasu.

Of course, de arimasu. [Because what else could the word 'use' mean but as a Weapon?]

Oh shit, well, if it's a sensitive subject since you lost someone, you don't have to tell that story, but if you want to, hell, I'm all ears.

_{[Karkat certainly has no idea.]} So, do you have a partner? I forgot if you mentioned it already. It sounds like you sort of have to have one to get by here.

Oh, I don't mind, de arimasu. I was the one that had to sacrifice myself for the greater good, de arimasu. Because the only way I could participate in the battle was if they transferred my consciousness into the bomb we would use as a last resort, de arimasu.

[Then they can both have no idea together.] I do, de arimasu. My partner is Eve-dono. But you don't actually have to have one to get by, de arimasu. A lot of people don't have exclusive partners, de arimasu.

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