Entry #A-12: "Assimilation" [February 13, Audio]

[dead_black_eyes]

[A smooth, soft voice can be heard over the networks.]

I'm getting the feeling that this consumer-driven holiday invented by greetings-card companies is more of an affair in Death City than it was in my own world.

While I don't approve of holidays cashing in by making people feel obligated to buy things for others, I don't have a problem if people feel obligated to buy things for me.

There are some stores selling fine chocolates. I like these in particular, so... as a true gourmand and an expert at gauging human emotions, I will give you excellent, informed romantic advice in exchange for any of the following.

[TEXT]

1. Creme buttermints (package of 12)
2. Vanilla caramel truffles (package of 16)
3. Milk fudge squares (NO NUTS, package of 8)
4. Hand-dipped marshmallow dream bars (package of 2)
5. Cotton-candy heart sticks (package of 1, the most cost-effective option)
6. Belgian nougat sprinkled in gold leaf (package of 1, the least cost-effective option but I'll certainly notice you.)
7. Candied orange slices (Package of 10)

[/End TEXT]

Comments

[Video/Private]

[shiromadoushi]

[[and to be kind and not interfere with Ryuzaki's scam endeavor, Bakura swaps to private.

But he's still sticking to Japanese. Because he's also a jerk.]]

Ryuzaki-kun, have you ever had a girlfriend?

[[because he's guessing no.]]

[Audio/Private]

[dead_black_eyes]

Of course I have. Lots of them.

[Video/Private/Perma]

[shiromadoushi]

... there's no way that's believable...

[Audio/Private/Perma]

[dead_black_eyes]

Just because you're not interested in girls doesn't mean this holds true for everyone.

I can tell you how to get a man in your bed, if that's what you're hoping for. And if there's a pair of marshmallow dream bars in my future...?

[shiromadoushi]

That's quite all right... I'm really not interested in that sort of thing. [[And now is he ever glad this was private]]

[dead_black_eyes]

Wear tight pants and use selective eye contact to your advantage. Hold his gaze for four seconds and then glance away. He'll be captivated.

Marshmallow dream bars, Bakura. They have them at Death By Pastry. You should be walking that way for my good advice...

[shiromadoushi]

.... there's no way I'd do something like that, even if there were someone I was interested in here....

[dead_black_eyes]

You'd never wear tight pants?

The pants you own are already relatively tight, you know.

[shiromadoushi]

They aren't... [[on him, anyway...]]

[dead_black_eyes]

[They're even looser on L. But he's used to pants that are practically falling off of him.]

They are. They're practically pornographic.

[shiromadoushi]

[[What]]

Pardon?

[dead_black_eyes]

I mean that it's actually very easy to see the outline of your scrotum if one is looking hard enough. Especially when you walk.

The fact that you're oblivious is actually likely appealing to a certain type of man, however.

[shiromadoushi]

Ee--- eeeh?!

[[Looking utterly horrified now.]]

[dead_black_eyes]

You know... the sort of man who prefers the innocent youth? The one who is unknowingly wanton? The attractive, virginal teenager, unaware of his own sex appeal?

You're very lucky I know about this and can help you.

[shiromadoushi]

[[looking utterly creeped out now]]

...by doing what...?

[[besides getting him to buy looser pants. Which he was going to do.]]

[dead_black_eyes]

By giving you this advice. Now you won't die alone, and you are doubtless happy and grateful enough to purchase me a Marshmallow Dream Bar.

They are hand-dipped, you know... I've been thinking about them all day...

[shiromadoushi]

....

[[starting to wonder if L's comment was just to scare him into getting him that candy.]]

[dead_black_eyes]

Are you fantasizing about the phrase "hand-dipped?" It would be illuminating.

[shiromadoushi]

No!

You're just obsessing a lot over that candy...

[dead_black_eyes]

Bakura, it's because there's something you apparently don't know about me.

[shiromadoushi]

[[There were a lot of those things, he was sure]]

What?

[dead_black_eyes]

I love candy.

[shiromadoushi]

...that much is obvious....

[dead_black_eyes]

Have you bought the Marshmallow Dream Bars yet?

[shiromadoushi]

In the ten minutes we've been talking...?