soul_campaign | Entry #A-12: "Assimilation" [February 13, Audio]

[A smooth, soft voice can be heard over the networks.]

I'm getting the feeling that this consumer-driven holiday invented by greetings-card companies is more of an affair in Death City than it was in my own world.

While I don't approve of holidays cashing in by making people feel obligated to buy things for others, I don't have a problem if people feel obligated to buy things for me.

There are some stores selling fine chocolates. I like these in particular, so... as a true gourmand and an expert at gauging human emotions, I will give you excellent, informed romantic advice in exchange for any of the following.

[TEXT]

1. Creme buttermints (package of 12)
2. Vanilla caramel truffles (package of 16)
3. Milk fudge squares (NO NUTS, package of 8)
4. Hand-dipped marshmallow dream bars (package of 2)
5. Cotton-candy heart sticks (package of 1, the most cost-effective option)
6. Belgian nougat sprinkled in gold leaf (package of 1, the least cost-effective option but I'll certainly notice you.)
7. Candied orange slices (Package of 10)

[/End TEXT]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I only really feel the need to raise the toilet seat when I urinate. Raising a leg would be impractical; I might overbalance and fall over and hit my head on the shower, and then I'd be concussed and have to explain to the doctor that I was attempting to raise my leg, while urinating, to see if I was literally a dog.

So I guess the simple answer is... no?

.... [Oh GOD, what's it with you and that answer?]

[This is not the kind of information he's wanted, IT IS NOT.]

[On the other hand..]

That answers a lot I never wanted to think about. How many docs did ya scare that way?

None, to date... I tend to immerse myself in hypothetical scenarios.

So you're hypothetically not a dog.

Hypothetically, there are an infinite number of things I am not.

Clam shells, parfaits and truck tires, for example, though this is far from an exhaustive list.

Clam shells, parfaits and truck tires usually don't have anything to do with getting girls laid.

Edited 2012-05-03 04:45 (UTC)

If that's what you think, then you really do need my advice.

If you think that they are in any combination then I'm pretty damn sure that I don't want it from you.

It's your tremendous, dire, and tragic loss.

I'll somehow try to cope with it.

For the modest fee of a Valentine's themed treat, I could offer advice for that, as well.

.... [ugh.]

You're starting to sound really desperate, you know that?

There's something you apparently don't know about me.

There's a Whole Lot that I don't know about you and I want it to stay that way!

I'll tell you this one thing anyway, because it's very important.

...

I really like candy.

Good for you. I quit it.

It's hard to imagine that that's any kind of life.

But I suspect we're talking about different types of candy.

Guess so.

Mine's the deadly hard candy that Haru likes if you still care about that kinda stuff.

Of course I do.

What's it comprised of, and what does it do?

Dunno and kill you.

Death is intimate and complex.

What's the modus operandi? I ask out of concern for Haru.

....

[You seriously expect him to believe that, L?]

"Boom."

[Audio]

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