soul_campaign | text; 022 - APRIL 29/'10

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text; 022 - APRIL 29/'10 - early evening

s0 let me ask now while i've still g0t the cajones t0:
how many 0f you nub-witted bipedals 0ut there actually know h0w to handle a standard c0mputer.
or even these shitty mirr0rs.
and on a s0mewhat (not really) related n0te:
combat training.
wh0 has it?

[ FILTER; trolls ]
eridan's g0ne.
i don't kn0w if it's on his 0wn or if BREW's just g0ne on an0ther binge.
he's not ar0und that i can tell.
[ /FILTER ]

[ FILTER; dat empress ]
hey y0u.
how ab0ut it.
you.
me.
b0ttle of s0da and a movie 0r some shit.
b0w chika bow w0w.
call me.
[ /FILTER ]

[ FILTER; mattbutt ]
sing 0r hum the aperture science theme at my corpse party.
0r whatever you weird0s call it when some0ne kicks it.
bring juice.
[ /FILTER ]

((translation:
So let me ask now while I've still got the cajones to:
How many of you nub-witted bipedals out there actually know how to handle a standard computer?
Or ever those shitty mirrors.
And on a somewhat (not really) related note:
Combat training.
Who has it?))

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

says the assh0le who gets himself maimed 0n a regular, perigreel basis.

I don't get myself killed, though. I have a partner to go with me to those missions, I don't jump alone in front of a fucking shark.

it'll be fine.
seri0usly.
and in the event it isn't, well.
welp.

[ yes. Video.

Have an angry Matt, Sollux ]

Don't "welp" me, asshole.

[ Who is Sollux to deny Matt due courtesy? Video function, deploy.

Have a healthy dose of the middle finger, Matt. ]

I do what I want, bitch.

Yeah, you know what?, you are right!

Why the FUCK do I gotta worry about you?!

Gee, I wonder! Why the fuck DO you!? Last I checked, I freak the fuck out of your tender little human bloodpusher!

Oh sure, go there! I'm not the one who keeps threading around pretending nothing ever happened, am I?

And I sure as fuck would love to know why I give a damn, specially when you are acting like a fucking bitch on PMS!

Well, what the fuck do you want me to do!? Pretend shit's fine? That you didn't go and come back not know who any of us are? Oh yeah, because that would've turned out awesome!

FUCK you, Matt. What the hell would you know anyway? You're only fucking human.

I don't fucking know! It's exactly that you pretend shit's fine that I don't-

[ oh, fuck you, Sollux ]

You think that this is exclusive to you?! Because it fucking isn't! Go ahead and think of yourself and how this falls all on you, and forget that JUST MAYBE I'm-

[ nope. Not going there. Matt can't go there.

he bites his tongue and turns away. ]

What? That you're what?

[ Sollux is angry, and at the same time regretful. Furious yet, inexplicably, sad.

This isn't how this was supposed to go. This isn't how anything was supposed to go. ]

Well?

[ fuck all of this ] That maybe I'm much more aware about this whole mess than you think. Maybe I do care.

[ not maybe ] I care.

I care if you get killed or not. And I care if shit isn't fine or not. And I care about this whole fucking mess.

[ dammit Matt, it's easier to be angry than to think in a calm, rational manner, particularly when every other bit of him wants to be angry. ]

And you waited this long to clue me in? Well, thanks, you rancid asshole.

[ aauugh, his heart isn't in it, this is utterly stupid. ]

I'm going to fine. Everything's going to be fine. You know how I know it is?

How?

Because I have everyone else out there to watch my back.

[ This is, perhaps, the most stupid, purile, and utterly embarrassing thing Sollux has ever said, and that's saying a lot, considering his track record.

He's not a kid of sentiment, is the thing, hates to admit to needing help or advice or friends. Hates to add his shit to someone else's pile of problems. Above all, he hates the idea that by displaying all this schmoopy shit, it makes him weak, lesser than what he was taught trolls aught to be like. ]

I got you.

[ Motherfucker.

Matt looks away from the screen. It's not like he will be able to convince the kid not to go. Trolls are stubborn as rock, he found out. ]

Alright. [ Near has the cameras. Near wouldn't let anything happen. And Sollux knows what he is doing, Matt has to trust him, right? ]

Okay.

[ there is a pause, before he calls out again ]

Sol.

[ it would detract from the moment if sollux outright admitted that near's penchant for voyeurism is the only reason why he's doing something this stupid.

Welp. ]

Yeah?

[ his voice dies, or maybe it never got out. He should let go. Pretend this conversation is done and over and go back to never speak or think of anything again.

Yes. Do that, Matt. What's the point?

They never talked about any of this. And any of that. They mention it from time to time, but quickly jump over the matter. What is there to talk?

Ah well, shit. ]

Listen for a bit without sassy remarks, okay? [ because Matt will try to make sense of things. At least a bit. ]

Yes, you freak me out. You have no fucking idea how much you scare me. [ he scoffs. Mostly at himself ] Can you really blame me for that? I never wanted anything like love or romance or pity or whatever you trolls call it, I never wanted to get attached. And then BAM, I'm dead, then I'm alive again, and now I got this guy right here which I used to - apparently - date.

And it'd be fine if I had just ignored the whole thing from the start. If I had decided not to meet you. [ Matt scratches the back of his head for a second ] But then I thought you were cool. And from that I kinda started to care. [ that is what freaks him out about Sollux. The fact that he makes Matt care about him. ]

I thought it was because I felt guilty for forgetting you. But it's there even when you piss me off. And I didn't feel guilty when I called you in the middle of the night to the Hospital. [ he felt relaxed instead.

Oh, Matt isn't sure what he was trying to say anymore. Funny, how people call him genius, but he isn't even capable of gathering the right words to explain something like this, or keep a line of thoughts. He can only conclude: ]

I'm attached. To you. I guess. [ even if that's something he didn't want, and he ran from it like a scared idiot. ]

You--

[ wait a minute ]

Really?

[ That's something. A little shocking, yes. He'd always assumed Matt didn't want that kind of thing, since his return. Sollux, he understood that kind of mindset; he'd had it himself, didn't he?

It's a surprise, and, underneath it all, a little pleasing. ]

You know you have every right not to be, right?

Yeah. I know. [ he told himself that over and over. Because guilt is shitty as fuck, so he had to tell himself that.

But even telling himself that, he still is attached to Sollux ]

But I still am.

You're dumb.

[ but he says it with a certain level of fondness and a certain level of regret.

wouldn't Matt have been better off if Sollux had just left him alone? ]

But I guess that's okay for now.

So are you.

[ he shakes his head with a smile of disbelief ]

Don't-- pretend everything is alright. [ and pretend nothing ever happened. Because Matt IS aware of it. He can't help but to be aware of it. Because he is attached to Sollux ]

I can take it.

Yeah. Sure you can.

[ better to pretend everything's fine than to give in and just wail about how goddamn stupid this entire situation is. this isn't fair. life isn't fair. the universe isn't fare, fuck it and its ways.

if he pretends it's all right, sometimes he can even believe it, and isn't that something better than nothing at all? ]

It's because every single one of you assumes I can't that this whole deal frustrates me even more, Sollux. [ Sollux, Mello - hell - even Near thread around this matter like they are afraid something will snap.

And sure, Matt was a coward so far. He did avoid it all the time. But with everyone allowing him to avoid it, he will just indulge in it even more.

But he can take it. ]

I know you can handle it.

[ it's his own side he's not too sure about is the thing. ]

There's a thing called 'coping' out there in the world, maybe you've heard of it.

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