soul_campaign

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VIDEO

[There is quite abruptly a very upset teenage troll on the screen. He's glaring at the camera as if it has personally offended him. Normally he would have done this over text, but he wants to see familiar faces, and besides, the best speeches aren't given over text.]

Listen up, nooksniffers. Here's how this is going to go. I don't have time for this war. I'm already fighting in one, and that one I actually give a shit about. Since I can't leave until this place stops getting his ass kicked, the plan is to win this stupid war as quickly as possible so we can all get back to our miserable lives wherever we came from.

Okay? Good. So, what's being done around here to get everyone battle ready? Whatever it is, sign me up. I need to figure out this whole fucking "being a weapon" thing. [He even does the air quotes for added effect.] Talk to me about the training and shit. Otherwise, keep your squawk blisters shut and brutally destroy those Kishin things.

With one exception. [He raises his pointer finger at the camera. It is not the finger he's used to raising, and he very nearly flubs that up. He's used to giving speeches over text, alright. Maybe he should have done that instead...] I've already seen a couple of familiar faces around here, which leads me to believe there might be more somewhat tolerable assholes around here that I might be familiar with. If you are one of those losers, report to me so I know who's here and therefore not in as much grave danger. Worrying about you bulgelickers is a full time fucking job, alright, and I don't want to have to worry any more than I have to, because it's annoying as shit.

Alright, I'm out. [There's a little fumble and a muffled curse, along with a lovely view of the floor of Karkat's place in Casualty Communal before the feed cuts out.]

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[Keroro recognizes Karkat. One of the reasons being he made keychains in Karkat's likeness and got huge amounts of money from it.]

Well. You'd survive falling down the stairs, since you're a Weapon and everything, de arimasu. But it's probably safer just to go to Morning Training, de arimasu.

And welcome back, Karkat-dono.

Another one who recognizes me from last time, huh. I guess I'm going to have to ask your name again, seeing as I can't remember shit all about you.

And yeah, I'd survive, but I still wouldn't exactly call it a pleasant fucking experience to fall down stairs even if I know I'm going to live.

That's okay, de arimasu. Not everyone remembers. I'm Sergeant Keroro. It's nice to see you again, de arimasu.

[He gives Karkat a military salute, and puts on his friendliest face.]

I've been told that you don't really feel anything besides terror when you fall down the stairs, de arimasu. Unless you turn into something small, de arimasu. Smaller weapons can sometimes get wedged in really weird places on the stairs.

Sergeant Keroko. That's a military title. _{[Huh. Somehow he wasn't expecting that.]}

And that's supposed to encourage me...how?

That's because I'm in the army, de arimasu. [An army of two feet tall alien frogs in various colours.]

Because it's not really as bad as you're thinking it'll be, de arimasu?

Is your planet super big on military shit? _{[Because he's pretty damn certain this guy isn't from Earth, and he's completely sure he's not from ALternia.]}

Why can't I just do it my way? A way that is sane and fucking rational that doesn't involve potential bodily injury.

Ah. Yes, it is, de arimasu. [Their number one export is planet invaders.]

There's nothing wrong with doing it your way, de arimasu. But you said you needed to figure it out so I gave you some suggestions, that's all, de arimasu. What way were you thinking of doing it, de arimasu?

That's cool. Mine was too. So, what was your weapon of choice then? _{[Because he's kind of curious what sort of weapon a tiny frog would use to fight with.]}

Okay, well, I haven't quite figured it out yet. But it's going to work, and it's going to be way safer than the stairs thing. I think maybe if I think about it hard enough, it'll happen.

The same weapon as all Keronian commanders, de arimasu. A Kero-ball. [Although why anyone thought giving Keroro something capable of destroying a small planet was a good idea....]

I see.

Well...I actually meditate, de arimasu. [THEN WHY DID YOU TELL HIM TO THROW HIMSELF DOWN THE STAIRS, KERORO.]

I've never heard of it. What exactly does it do? _{[Because it can't just be a regular ball that would be too stupid.]}

You meditate? Does that work? I'm not sure if I could do it that way. I'm not really that great at clearing my head and all that bullshit.

That depends on what button you press, de arimasu. It can do anything from function as an alarm clock, to changing the molecular structure of living beings so that they turn into piles of jelly, de arimasu to creating anything you want it to, de arimasu. It's the ultimate invasion weapon.

And it's not really clearing your head so much as it is imagining yourself in a bubble, de arimasu. At least, that's how Eve-dono taught me to do it.

Holy shit, that sounds badass. It also sounds really fucking dangerous. What if you punch the wrong button and slaughter yourself?

A bubble? ...An empty one, right?

That's why it's only given to responsible leaders that know how to work it properly, de arimasu.

[Besides, Keroro's pressed wrong buttons on that thing lots of times and is still okay.]

But if you're in it...I don't see how it's empty, de arimasu?

That's a lot of responsibility. I mean, if you mess up, you could end up killing yourself, or one of your friends.

Well, yeah, fucking duh, I'm in it, but I mean, there's not other stuff in there with me, right?

But when you're the leader, you have to live with things like that, de arimasu. Because you're the one that everyone counts on, de arimasu.

......Air?

....Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I guess some people are just better at it than others. _{[Because he was a shit leader.]}

Yeah, air, but no other trolls or scenery or shit like that right? _{[He can't help thinking about the dream bubbles and those were more traumatic than anything else.]}

That's true, de arimasu. But there are many different kinds of leaders, de arimasu. Sometimes, someone is an effective leader, but shouldn't be allowed to be one just because they're really scary when they let the power go to their heads, de arimasu.

[....] Why would there be something like that, de arimasu? It's just a normal bubble, de arimasu. Like the kind you make with a wand, de arimasu.

Yeah, I can think of a leader like that. _{[Whoops he just talked to her and she threatened to kill him.]}

I don't fucking know, just ignore me. I'm used to a different sort of bubble. Okay, so I'm alone in the bubble. Then what?

So can I, de arimasu. [And he's so glad that Tamama isn't here.]

Then you imagine the bubble around you changing shape, de arimasu.

That sucks for you.

Changing shape? Into what? _{[This is so confusing.]} Oh, wait, you mean into whatever my weapon form's supposed to be?

Well, he doesn't normally get to be the leader anyways, de arimasu. Leader For a Day wasn't really one of my better plans, de arimasu.

[He is still haunted by the time Tamama ordered a huge machine that made everything candy. Horrible memories.]

If you don't really know what shape your weapon form's supposed to be, I think you can just imagining it just changing shape in general, de arimasu.

Leader for a day? That is about the most idiotic plan I've ever heard. How the fuck did you think that was a good idea, when probably half of your team weren't suited for being the leader.

Well, I know what shape it should be, because even though last time I was here I was an axe or something, I'm going to be my weapon. I will not stand for being anything else. _{[He just hopes the universe is being nice to him for once, which isn't likely.]}

It...It seemed like a good idea at the time, de arimasu. I mean....they're always complaining how I don't do a good job, so I thought they should see that it was actually really difficult, de arimasu... [How did he know they'd be so frightening when they got the power in their hands...?]

Things hardly ever happen like that, de arimasu. Not that it couldn't, but it might be better if you don't have expectations like that, de arimasu. [I mean, Keroro thought that he was going to be a Gundam. Or Char Aznable. (Never mind that Char Aznable isn't even a weapon but a person)]

I can understand that you wanted them to see how hard it was. Being a leader is not all it's cut out to be. But seriously, I don't even need to meet your team and I know there were probably a lot of idiots who did a lot of useless, dangerous, or stupid shit with their time as leader.

Okay, fine. So I just think of whatever weapon comes to mind? I could be thinking of weapons for fucking ages!

[Actually...]

It's not so much that they did useless, dangerous or stupid things, de arimasu. They were pretty good at it, de arimasu.

[It's just that for the sake of having their show keep airing on TV, they couldn't actually succeed.]

No, no, de arimasu. We're not imagining the bubble turning into a weapon, de arimasu. Imagine it changing shape into anything you want, de arimasu. Like a duck or something.

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